Animal Planet
by DahliaStarr
Summary: "the female has growled out loud because he is well…you know…Anyways, this process of sexual activity goes on for about a half-hour." The voice on the TV said. "Sexual activity?" Zim spluttered. "I bet the Dib could help me figure it out!" oh dear...
1. Chapter 1

Animal Planet

Zim sat on the couch in the living room. He was utterly bored and nothing good seemed to be on T.V. he flipped through dozens of channels irritably and sighed in defeat.

"This human technology is so stupid that it shows nothing good. Why do these worm-babies even have such stinky electronics?" he grumbled and continued switching through multiple channels.

"You do know that instead of continuously pressing the channel button, you could just go to the guide." Computer beeped.

"Silence! Zim knows that and…I uh…was just waiting to see if you would be smart enough to figure it out! Yes…that is why…"

He heard Computer sigh, annoyed. "Idiot."

"What was that?" Zim screeched.

"Nothing."

But, Zim being Zim, he just kept switching channels. Finally something caught his interest and he turned up the volume.

_"Now, back to Animal Planet." A voice on the television announced._

"Animal Planet?" Zim cocked his head to the side curiously. "What planet has animals that ZIM does not know about?"

"Just shut up and listen." Computer stated.

"Hmph." He pouted but shut his mouth.

A video of two grizzly bears appeared on the screen. To Zim it seemed as if the larger one was rubbing up against the smaller one.

"_It is summer time and that means it is the season for these grizzly's to find a mate. As shown, the male grizzly affectionately rubs against the female to gain trust. The female nudges him back, indicating that she…well trusts him. If she didn't, you see, she would have just walked off to look for another mate. But, back to the point, the female lowers herself to the ground and the male grizzly climbs partially onto her. His claws grasp her fur. It may seem like he is hurting her but this is merely a sing showing that he is protecting her. From what, who knows? I mean, we're human, we don't know everything."_

"Yeah, then why does the Dib-beast think he does?" Zim sneered but his eyes then were glued to the screen as the female bear growled out loud.

"_She has growled out loud because he is well…you know…Anyways, this process of sexual activity goes on for about a half-hour. Then, the male bear guides the exhausted female to the den area. After about six months, in which the father leaves, the female then gives birth, usually to two or three cubs. She nurses them for perhaps a year and then they're off on their own. And by then it is mid-spring and the grizzlies get ready for another season of summer."_

The screen then went black and Zim just stared, eyes still transfixed on it.

"Sexual activity? Grizzlies? What in the world?" Zim spluttered. A thought came to his mind. "I bet the Dib-stink can tell me what that is! His abnormally large head is so big he's bound to know this information! Yes, this plan is ingenious!"

"Yeah, cause all your other _ingenious_ plans went so well." Computer sighed.

"Silence!" Zim shouted as he walked out his front door.

Poor Dib didn't know what awaited him.


	2. Chapter 2

**In this story Dib is seventeen and Gaz is fifteen. Enjoy, my readers!**

"Dib-thing! Open this door immediately!" Zim's voice called out as he pounded on the front door. He continued this process until the door was swung open and there stood a very cranky, bedraggled looking Dib.

"What happened to you, human? You look as if…how do you humans say? You look as if you have just rolled out of bed. Hideous." Zim observed.

"Nice to see you too, Zim." Dib said sarcastically. "What do you want?"

"Well, I was just watching the…what is it again? Ah, yes, I was just watching the TellyVision when this show called Animal Planet came to my attention and it talked about Grizzly Bears. I was wondering if you could…_explain_ to me what this species is." He stumbled back and threw up in the garden by Dib's house.

Dib looked confused. "Are you sick or something?"

"No, it's just that I just asked you for something and it was one of the most painful and disgusting things I've ever done!" Zim wiped his mouth and straightened his uniform. Now, worm-baby, explain to me what these Grizzlies are."

Dib sighed and leaned up against the side of the doorframe (or whatever it is.). "Grizzlies are just bears. They are big and brown. They eat salmon and they mate in the summer. That's all I really know about them."

"Hmmm…and I presume that this mating that you filthy Earthlings speak of is this "sexual activity" that the TellyVision is talking about?" Zim raised an imaginary eyebrow, causing one eye to become bigger than the other.

Dib shifted. He was getting slightly uncomfortable in which this conversation was taking a turn on things. "Uh, yeah. If that's all you want to know then I'll just…" he moved to close the door but Zim stuck his foot to block it from closing.

"No, Dib-beast, that is not all." He moved closer to Dib, making him take a step backwards and stumble into the hallway. "How are these sexual activities expressed? Do all humans do them or just the animals on this filthy planet?" Dib could see that Zim was just being genuinely curious but that didn't stop him from feeling uncomfortable.

"Uh…no, every living thing on Earth does it. Wait, then how do you Irkens repopulate?"

"Only few Irkens can help repopulate my planet. I am not one of them, so I know nothing of how the process happens. But," Zim was now cornering Dib. "You can show me, can't you?"

Dib nearly lost his footing at the sock of those words. "Wh-what? Did you…I mean…how…_what?_"

"I asked if you could show me what these sexual activities are." Zim was losing his patience with this stupid human. Frustrated, Zim's spider legs came out and they roughly pinned Dib against the wall. "Dib-thing, why can't you just show me? I am merely curious."

"C-curiosity killed the c-cat, you know." Dib stammered. He hated to admit it but he was feeling slightly turned on by the feeling of Zim's breath on his cheek.

"What is this cat you speak of?" Zim demanded.

"I-I-I…"

Suddenly the spider legs disappeared and Zim was stalking towards the door. "Fine, Dib-worm! If you will not tell Zim what these activities are then Zim will have to find someone else!" he walked out muttering, "Maybe the Gaz-human can tell me what it is. Hmmm…yes, another one of my ingenious plans!"

Dib slid down the wall and brought his knees to his chest. "What the hell just happened?"


	3. Chapter 3

"Stupid Dib-beast, not explaining something as simple as that…" Zim muttered as he walked to Skool the next day. "It was merely a suggestion. For the love of Irk why does he have to be so rude and infuriating?" he entered the building feeling let down and crestfallen. Yeah, sure they fought but it had been seven years! He hadn't even really planned to do anything to Earth once he'd found out that his mission was a fake. You could almost say that the he and the Dib-stink were friends. Or preferably very close _acquaintances_. Ah, yes, let's go with that.

He stalked into the classroom with his shoulders slouched and his head not as raised as it would be on a normal skool day.

"Zim! You're late." Mrs. Bitters hissed. "For that you will be here after class and have to write '_I am doomed_' 100 times on the board!"

Zim sighed. Okay, so the day went pretty normal. He got detention; he made the cupcakes in Home Ec disintegrate from too much baking _soda _instead of powder, he was made fun of by the stupid Keef boy who was somehow popular in this god-forsaken skool, and he kept insisting he was normal. The only thing that didn't go as planned was that the Dib-worm ignored him today. No "He's an alien!" or "how can you people be so blind?" or anything like that. Which was very odd indeed.

The bell rang but Zim just stayed in his seat. When Dib passed his desk, Zim grabbed his wrist and demanded, "Dib, why have you been ignoring Zim?"

Dib glared and squirmed out of the alien's grasp. "You know why, okay? Just leave me alone!" with that he turned and raced out the door.

"Fine, Dib-stink. I'll leave you alone." Zim said quietly. "But I will get my information. And you didn't say to leave your sister alone, did you?"

**0o0o0o0o0**

Gaz was sitting in her room when the doorbell rang. Unfortunately, Dib wasn't home so she couldn't yell at him to answer the door. Sighing, she got up from her bed and walked down the stairs. She flung open the door and was shocked to find Zim standing on the doormat.

"What do you want, Zim?" Gaz growled, her hand still on the door in case she wanted to slam the door in his face.

"Well, you see, Gaz-human, the Dib didn't want to explain this to me so I have come to seek your…_preference_ on what Zim is about to ask you."

Gaz narrowed her eyes. "And what would you need my _preference _on alien boy?"

Zim crossed his arms over his chest. "Well, I was watching this filthy Earth show about Grizzly bears and it talked about something of "sexual activities"."

Gaz's jaw dropped slightly and the expression in her brown eyes was unreadable. Zim had never in his entire existence thought that he would ever see her become nervous.

"And…how exactly does this refer to you needing my help?" she asked slowly.

Zim didn't lower his gaze but just stared at Gaz. "Well, Zim was wondering if you could possibly show him how you humans show your affection for these sexual activities. Dib-stink didn't want to show me! Filthy Earth scum defying the ALMIGHTY ZIM!"

Gaz's expression turned from shock to one of a mixture of anger and horror. Mostly horror though. "you…_what?_"

"I was hoping that you could show me-"

_WHAM!_ The door slammed shut in front of him. He heard the sliding of bolts as she furiously locked the door. "Not in your sadistic dreams you pervert!" her voice screeched through the door. Little did she know that Zim was not faking. He was just curious; but Gaz thought that he was being…well, a pervert.

Zim rubbed his eyes vigorously. "Well, what now?" _hmmm...think Zim…aha! I know!_ "I will go ask Keef!" and with that he raced down the road and going to do who-knows-what.

This out to be good.


	4. Chapter 4

Okay, it has been a while but I hated the last chapter almost as much as you guys. SO! I am re-writing it! Don't worry, the event with Keef never happened! I hope I have redeemed myself. Tell me what you think….

No one wanted to help him! Why not? All he wanted was some answers!

Zim slowly trudged back to his house in defeat. Stupid TellyVision! If he hadn't watched that show then this wouldn't have happened! Zim sighed as he opened the door and flopped down onto the couch.

WAIT A MINUTE!

Zim sat up so abruptly he fell off the couch. Why hadn't he thought of it before?

"YES! I have done it! I AM ZIM!" He yelled to nothing.

"Really? I thought you were Dib in disguise." Computer beeped sarcastically.

"HOW MANY TIME MUST I TELL YOU TO SHUT IT! AND DON'T COMPARE ME TO THE DIB!" Zim shouted. "Now, leave me to my thoughts! And my INGENIOUS plan!"

"Maybe we'll all be lucky and you'll manage to blow yourself up." Computer sighed, but left Zim.

Zim, ignoring Computer, went down to his lab. "Wait! Computer I need you to do something!"

"What?" Computer asked warily.

Zim tapped his chin. "Contact Tak's ship."

"Why?"

"JUST DO IT!"

"Alright, alright."

After a couple of beeping noises Tak appeared on the screen. She looked surprised.

"What the heck to you want, Zim?" she narrowed her eyes. "Why are you even calling me?"

"Zim had something to ask you." Zim stated.

Tak waited.

"Zim was wondering…" he shuffled his feet nervously. "Zim was wondering…"

"SPIT IT OUT! Unlike you, I actually have some stuff to do for a mission. Because I, unlike you, am still an Invader."

Zim's eye twitched. "I was wondering if you can give me any information about sexual activity!" he blurted.

Silence.

Tak blinked. "…_Why?"_

"It is none of your business!" he crossed his arms over his chest. "I have already asked two of the human species and they are too stubborn to give any answers. You are my last hope." He added.

Tak stayed silent until Zim was finally fed up. "Well?"

She shook her head, her purple eyes wide. "no. I-I can't."

Zim's antenna went back. "You _can't?_" he echoed in disbelief.

Tak was shaking her head furiously. "No. No, no, no, no, no! And if it wasn't clear enough: _NO!_" And with that the screen went black.

Zim just stared at it. No? NO? For the love of Irk, why wouldn't anyone help him?

"WHY WON'T ANYONE TELL ZIM WHAT SEXUAL ACTIVITY IS?" he scream.

"Oh, that's what you're upset about?" Computer's voice came on.

"Yes!" Zim said, weary

"Well, sexual activity is when…." And thus began the bird and the bees lecture.

When it was over all Zim did was stand there.

And slowly his eye started to twitch.

End. (much better wasn't it?)


End file.
